JF Day 27 and 28 am

Day 27

1 quarts of cucumber, celery, kale, pear, lemon, ginger, green powder

1 1/2 quart of cucumber, celery, spinach, bok choy, red bell pepper, lemon, ginger, hemp oil

1 quart of alkaline water with green powder

Day 28 am

It is 7 am here, I'm so glad I got a few hours sleep........

Yesterday was the most difficult day I've had since the beginning of this juice feast, or maybe even since the beginning of this whole healing journey......

And it is not over yet. 

My time of the month, the worst time of the month! 

There was so much pain yesterday.......

Excruciating, intense, burning, searing, tearing me apart, so painful it was nauseating, I was holding myself, rocking, chanting mantras, saying please please please over and over again......

When one has begun to live in a pain free world for a while, tasted the possibility of being in a body that is so well and fine, then to suddenly find oneself back again in the grip of old times, is such a shock to the system......

How does one deal with this kind of pain, that spreads from the stomach, abdomen, to all over the body, as if the whole body is giving up.....legs start getting cramps too, the back, oh the lower back, right in the center spine, feels like the bone is being wrenched and twisted, left side headache that pulls on the neck and shoulders then travels and begins to seep out from your left eye like molten lava , one after the other, everything is affected. the whole body hurts and hurts real bad........

In the old world I would have popped a couple of Advils every few hours and that would have been that!

But I don't live in the old world anymore - it has just come a visiting.....and Advil feels like something from the pre-historic age! Alien!

At one point I asked Trevor to just hold me and I began to sob, crying on his shoulder......when would this be over, what was the whole point, would I ever really be completely healed, would the pain really leave me alone ever, or never........

But in the middle of this rant with my sweetheart simply holding me tight and being completely present for me, I realized that even though I was having all this pain, the pain wasn't really having all of me.......somewhere in the background I was still feeling good, even as I cried, I was still feeling good........

All I had to do was stay with this background and have the pain, not resist it, but embrace it fully, ride the wave, not run away from it.......

The rest of the day I lived in my new beautiful world, one with clarity and joy and a body that responds and is transforming slowly and surely, drinking my juice, not enough of it for the day, but well, whatever I could was ok......

I stayed in bed all the time, meditating, deep breathing, then reading blogs, posting comments, feeling inspired once again, grateful for all of you being there for me too.......

I slept very late, pain never allows one to sleep easily - it kicks you alive - and maybe that is what it is here to do really, that is its true purpose - to kick me into wakefulness - make me more conscious - take me further on the road to becoming whole - help me give up more of this illusion of control - allow me to dissolve more of my little petit self - it brings in the goddess Kali - all fierce and raging and swirling around me - then she simply cuts my head off quite graciously and finally there is sleep for a few hours, thanks to her........

The pain is still here, an old friend that I have outgrown but who has come calling on me with a gift - teaching me to surf in stormy weather - so I'm going to lie down and deep breathe, stay in my center and ride this wave again........