Silence, Slow Flow, Juice Feasting........

After almost four months,
the words are moving.
Slowly, softly, taking tiny steps towards completing a sentence.
I pause and hold still, breathing gently......

I don't know if this is the start of another writing spree.
Am I going to continue posting, write every or every other day?
Or is this just a one off?
Not a clue.......

Out of practice is out of flow.
Even my journal hasn't seen a single word.
At least my blog has had company - of Silence.

Things have happened. As they do.

The mind has thought, the heart has felt.
The soul has wondered, smiled and slept.....

Amidst faint sounds of traffic,
and as darkness falls,
it awakens once again,

I hear its call......

God knows where this scribble is going, She alone knows.

I'll just continue juice feasting,
For another day.
Maybe more...........

Something new, Somewhere new...........

i miss india, very much.......

all the myriad contrasting scenes, the sandalwood and saffron next to garbage heaps, the sound of temple bells and the shout of a street vendor who sells, oranges, bananas or milk and tea........the smell of spices floating, the perfume of jasmine tempting, the early morning stillness, the evening buzz and crazy traffic jams.......

most of all i miss the sense of belonging, the familiar, the known..........

i'm in london now and i spent the first day moaning, groaning, thinking - what the bleep am i doing here again???

and feeling angry, irritated, frustrated - my work was working out in india but i came back to london with trevor - because his work didn't work out over there......

grateful, so grateful that it lasted less than a day really, got very intense in the evening and pretty much faded out before sleep........

grateful that trevor kept his center and didn't react to my anger, didn't take it personally, simply listened and let me rant and rave for a while.......knowing me well enough to know that it would pass very quickly.......and that i would return home to calm and peace.......

grateful that even though i don't know what i am doing here for now, i will in time, doors will open and my small new steps will reveal new paths .......

i am not interested in analyzing, explaining away or seeking meaning, trying to grasp or cling to some intellectually satisfying answers......

the answers will come if they will, right now i have let go of even all questions.........

the only way out is through......

so to simply fall still, be in the present and do what needs to be done......

for the last couple of days i have been out and about, apartment hunting - and as my perspective shifts from "this is not where i want to be" to "this is the perfect place to be simply because this is where i am right now" - london begins to open up and charm me once more, people smile more often, the sun shines and plays hide and seek, and i feel something nameless, strong and sweet, holding trevor's hand and walking down the streets............

Why, What and What for? ....... Ssshhhhhh

London - Mumbai - Pune - Mumbai - Chennai - Pondicherry - Chennai - Mumbai - Pune - Mumbai - London - Paris - Mumbai - Pune - Mumbai - Pune - Bangalore - Pune - Bangalore - Pune - Mumbai - 

I am in Paris right now and in a few days I will be in London once again.........

After almost three months of constant movement, I am almost back to where I started.......

There are two things I am learning during this experience, this journey to my country and back; - to let go of all attachment to what I want and don't want, my desires, my dreams, my plans....

- to let go of the need to make sense of whatever unfolds, of trying to find meaning in whatever is happening.......

I know it will change again, but for now, this is where I am, where I need to be, learning to let go completely.....

Life is taking Trust, Acceptance and Gratitude to a new level for me now - and sure, it is not easy.......

I cried all day yesterday........felt like I was going through another dark night of the soul - feeling miserable, lost, tired, nothing to hold on to, unable to see ahead - no energy, no excitement, just an emptiness and despair.........

I felt broken.........

I guess sometimes we need to really break, to feel completely lost before something new and beautiful is found again.......

Total Surrender......Total Trust, Acceptance and True Gratitude..........Fully Living in the Here and Now..........

I have not been feeling quite well either these last few weeks, some of my old symptoms are back again - just one more phase of integral healing, all levels, all aspects........

I feel fragile, vulnerable, open, so open, I feel almost raw........and yet, something filled with strength and a force that is soft and sweet and light and lit, seems to be flowing through my being, awakening and brightening, slowly.......

Trevor is in London, setting up our new life there.......

So, it will be a new job for him, a new apartment in a new part of London for us, and who knows, maybe a new work and a new path for me too????

The new life is not waiting out there, the incredible breath-giving new world is not somewhere not reached yet........

It is right here, right now, where I am..........

And I'm dancing again.......

No terms and conditions on joy and happiness, everything is perfectly as it is and it is perfectly as it should be.........

So, London, here I come once again :-)

Scribbles from my journal - 14

this journey of transforming my blood, my body and self - is happening on different levels - letting go of all the muck inside is not only about yeast and fungus.....

it is about old dead emotions and pains, about out-dated and out-grown ways of thinking and feeling too.....

it is about learning to function from a new position and to move with a different energy.....

one skip, one hop at a time, little by little......

it is not just my will or aspiration that leads anywhere......

there is nothing i have to "make" happen, i simply have to "let" it happen and happening it is, always already :-)

i feel from within that i am going to heal, to be whole.....deeply, so deeply.......

there is a quantum shift in the making here, a quantum leap into some place new, some way new and it is very very exciting.....

only glimpses, little windows that open on to the big picture.......

there is a certitude that every step of this journey, of this path is an incredible blessing ......and that it is leading to something so marvelous and breath-giving.....

and there it is waiting for me.......

like layers being peeled off, something new is born and emerges every moment in this process.....

i don't know the what, why, where and when of this that is so beautifully unfolding, moment to moment, softly, gently, strongly.......

all i know is that.......it is the flowing, the moving, and the spiral dancing that matters......

right here, right now.......

Living in the Here and Now :-)

I'm in Bangalore right now and I'm falling in love with this city all over again :-) 

It is so green, the weather is fantastic, the people are warm and beautiful, there are coconut sellers at almost every corner and street and Juice shops in every block - what more can one ask for?

Its been one crazy ride the last few weeks. Nothing works out as imagined, planned, decided - each day brings a surprise, a huge "letting go" which is then followed by new insights, perspectives and awareness........

We have no home at the moment, we don't even know where we will settle down and when.....this is really a period of transition and waiting.......

Its not always easy as the mind is conditioned to a need for security and certainty - so to remain joyful and centered in the midst of insecurity and uncertainty, demands an almost incredible moment to moment practice of total trust and acceptance and a warrior like stance of calm flexibility........

Flowing with whatever life unfolds day to day without becoming attached to what I think I want, or what I feel is right, is very liberating - it has come to the point where when things don't work out as I want - I get even more excited - I rub my hands in glee and say "Ok, not this, then what next?" :-)

I am learning all the time to hold my own thoughts, feelings, wants, desires very lightly.....no holding on tightly, no clinging, no grasping.......

Simply letting go, breathing deeply and smiling, whatever happens or not........

Living life, in the Here and Now........is a very powerful practice.......

I am deeply grateful as I am not alone, Trevor and Saatchi are learning each day the same practice too, and we support each other and mirror Joy for one another.....

A real blessing........

I'm staying at a hotel in Bangalore right now, I don't have my Vitamix with me - I have one small cooked vegan meal a day and the rest of the time it is coconut water, coconut meat, fresh fruits and juices, as well as around 3 to 4 quarts of alkaline water with green powder.....

I haven't had green juices or salads for a week now but that will change soon hopefully......

I'm very surprised that I haven't put on any weight since the end of my juice feast on the 11th of February, in fact, I've lost another couple of pounds......

I've had two colonics in the last month in Pune and I have another scheduled for Friday this week.....

I will write more about this after my next session.........

Tomorrow it is back to Pune for a week - after that, I don't know...... 

I'll let you know when I know......

Till then - much love and warm sunshine.......

xxx

Bangalore - Flaming trees, Juice junctions and Coconut heaps......

 

Emotional Freedom and Vast Wide Spacious.........

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster ride into a world full of ups and downs, high excitement and low blue moods, heart melting smiles, soft strong passion and moments of wild crazy fun too......

There is a genuine need for relationships that are free from demands, obligations, subtle manipulations, unconscious dependency or approval needs, impositions and melodrama, over-sensitivity and taking everything personally, making mountains out of molehills.....

I am in the process of changing the way I relate to people, letting go of old exhausting patterns and functioning in a new way, from a new inner position.......

This is not a piece of cake and I've been through some pretty rough moments lately, and yet......amidst all of this chaos and pain, what emerged like a precious gift, was a certainty that relating and connecting with others even with a small dose of old world ways - makes me literally sick now!!!!

Emotions can be as sticky as glue and so so heavy - I want to transform existing relationships and build new relationships, that are not based on Emotional Feeding, that are free from this glue, this heavy inert dead spread!!

I want connections that are clean, pure, honest - relationships that are light and free and alive and breathing, wide, vast, spacious, loving and compassionate......

Love that is not confused with sentiments or expectations - Compassion that truly respects and is first of all true to one's own self.........

Ah, a lifetime of learning and the new world unfolds every single day :-)

I got married to Trevor in a simple Hindu ceremony on the 21st of this month, I've had my first colonic experience in India, I'm working on some super raw Indian food, etc etc.......

There is so much to tell and share, many pictures to post and I'm going to do some over the weekend......

I've missed you all very much, loads of love and hot bright sunshine, 

xxx Neeta