Something new, Somewhere new...........

i miss india, very much.......

all the myriad contrasting scenes, the sandalwood and saffron next to garbage heaps, the sound of temple bells and the shout of a street vendor who sells, oranges, bananas or milk and tea........the smell of spices floating, the perfume of jasmine tempting, the early morning stillness, the evening buzz and crazy traffic jams.......

most of all i miss the sense of belonging, the familiar, the known..........

i'm in london now and i spent the first day moaning, groaning, thinking - what the bleep am i doing here again???

and feeling angry, irritated, frustrated - my work was working out in india but i came back to london with trevor - because his work didn't work out over there......

grateful, so grateful that it lasted less than a day really, got very intense in the evening and pretty much faded out before sleep........

grateful that trevor kept his center and didn't react to my anger, didn't take it personally, simply listened and let me rant and rave for a while.......knowing me well enough to know that it would pass very quickly.......and that i would return home to calm and peace.......

grateful that even though i don't know what i am doing here for now, i will in time, doors will open and my small new steps will reveal new paths .......

i am not interested in analyzing, explaining away or seeking meaning, trying to grasp or cling to some intellectually satisfying answers......

the answers will come if they will, right now i have let go of even all questions.........

the only way out is through......

so to simply fall still, be in the present and do what needs to be done......

for the last couple of days i have been out and about, apartment hunting - and as my perspective shifts from "this is not where i want to be" to "this is the perfect place to be simply because this is where i am right now" - london begins to open up and charm me once more, people smile more often, the sun shines and plays hide and seek, and i feel something nameless, strong and sweet, holding trevor's hand and walking down the streets............