Scribbles from my journal - 12

i love this "what is".....and what it is, is beyond one's control or planning.....

a couple of days in paris.....and i have learnt once again, to let go of "control" - the ultimate delusion! 

exactly what i need, at exactly the right time, before i leave for india, the land of no-control and perfect chaos......

this mind and its opinionated preconceived notions about how things can be or are, about how people are or can be, about how it all should be and will - when this monkey mind becomes only a witness and allows life to happen as it will, without interfering......then all these illusions of certitude, these contractions of the ego, fade away......

and what is left is - only a fresh joyfilled acceptance of whatever is happening or not-happening, every moment, as it is......

this new world that has been born during these last few months of my healing journey - is new, so totally new - what makes me think "i" already know it and can walk its terrain like an expert?

what makes me feel sure of being able to manipulate its paths and reach destinations, when "i" don't have even the slightest knowledge of its basic operating system?

this is territory that has not even been mapped yet......it is a landscape in the making......and what makes its every hill and valley, what is creating its every twist and turn.....is simply, my every step and breath, every glance and caress.....and what makes me think that "i" can decide where i place my foot next or what i look at even in a state that is my best, when "i" can't even control my mind or control my breath?!

by grace and not desire, the surrender happens........right here, right now, i smile and feel light.....

then my feet follow the sound of an inner drummer, my breath comes and goes holding hands with gratitude for what ever is or not, my mind falls still and stays only watching, my heart knows nothing and is at peace with not knowing, my soul sings the song of one taste and my spirit dances to the tune of the new world unfolding......

and all is as it is.......being made, moment to moment, by my Self, not self.........

The unexpected once again.......

Well, after five days of eating some solids and 2 quarts of  green juices too every day - a new decision is made today......something totally unexpected.......and yet, on this journey of healing, so many unpredictable and amazing things have happened, nothing should surprise me anymore......

I am leaving for Paris the day after, on Sunday, for five days - and then a few days later, on the 1st of March, I leave for India.....and will not be using my return ticket and coming back here.

We are moving to Pune, a lovely town close to Mumbai.....

So, for almost 6 weeks, I will be staying as a guest, in Paris as well as in India (Mumbai, Pune, Auroville) with different people, family and friends, before I find a place for us and set up a home in my country......

Food is quite a sensitive issue for most people, a refusal to eat what they eat (which is mainly cooked food) while living with them, can offend, provoke and even hurt.....and also push one into a place where one might feel the need to defend, justify, explain oneself and one's choices etc etc......

Really tiring and quite unnecessary on both sides......

I can eat some lightly cooked food but I do need high raw....so it could end up being such a bother for my hosts, cause them anxiety and make them worry if they are being good hosts and feeding me the things I need to eat etc etc.....

My healing journey is not over yet.....certainly, I have healed to a large extent, I feel really good inside and out.....and yet, this is a new space for me, I sense that it is still a fragile subtle balance, one that needs a lot of respect and care.....

I have no desire to put myself or my friends and family through any difficult situations related to my nourishment and my healing.......

Thus, taking distance and standing at this point looking towards the near future - the best thing I can do for myself and my hosts - is to simply go on liquids again......

and so, I will begin liquid feasting from tomorrow.....a kind of modified juice feast.......

It will be much easier to say that I am healing and following a different protocol - so I don't eat but only drink - juices, shakes, elixirs and soups, all green.....all made in my Vita-mix that I will be carrying with me everywhere I go......

Then its only a question of getting my greens and veggies every other day - find a vegetable market, organic as much as possible, and buy my produce......carry some nuts, hemp, green powders, flax oil, etc - or find some wherever I am.......

Make it simple, make it juicy, make it flowing, make it alkaline, make it nutrient dense and prana-rich......

And take responsibility, take care of myself and do what needs to be done.....

I have been thinking and feeling a little apprehensive about the weeks ahead and now I feel at peace........

Once I have my own place, our new home, then its going to be such fun - to experiment with converting local and traditional Indian food into raw - and to continue being the change I want to see around.......

For now, green liquids it is, and they will do me just fine.....

Another journey begins, another chapter is being written, how exciting :-)

Awards - Juice Feaster & Creative bloggers

Jack and Jill, so lovingly bestowed this award on me - now I'd like to pass it on to Suki @ Qito, for following your own intuitions, inner sense, protocol, feasting on juices and life - for being totally and consistently your authentic Self......

Thank you so much for always demonstrating great courage in pursuing your path and speaking out, for helping those who are ready to take a minor or major step, for just being you, beautiful, radiant and a constant source of inspiration......

Thanks Jenny and it is time to pass on the creative award to others. 

* Shell from The Raw Kitchen

I love your pictures of raw food, they make me salivate and drool and get excited about learning new ways to feed myself and my entourage. I am certain that you could whip up a fantastic meal with just about any combination of ingredients in the kitchen. This award is for your creative and innovative spirit that shines through everything you present, so clearly, so beautifully.......

I so look forward to learning with you, whenever that may happen and wherever.......

*Kandace and Ray from Gone Raw

For creating a place that allows everyone to share recipes, information and ideas about raw and living foods. What a wonderful gift for all those who need to be able to access precious knowledge and learn to prepare and eat a whole new range of fantastic foods. I am very grateful to you both and all the goneraw community, it has been such a help to me, thanks a bunch.......

* Matt Monarch from Raw Success

For one of the most creative and brilliant minds I have come across. Most of your ideas and insights make a lot of sense to me and have helped me to make my own clearer. I have not read your books yet, I look forward to that, but in the meanwhile I am very thankful that you began blogging and sharing your journey with us, and that you are constantly looking for ways to enhance and enrich your blog, to give us the best of you. And your love for Angela and the way you express it has touched my heart deeply. Merci.

* Keiko from Rawket Science

You are a blessing. I love dropping by your place and discovering the fresh and creative ideas you constantly share, the stunning and absolutely beautiful pictures you post, the new and interesting recipes you come up with and then simply your radiant Self, that expresses itself in big and small ways, every time you post on your blog. Thank you very much, and I really dream of flying to Toronto one day to have a meal in the new place, Zen Den, that you are setting up, and who knows, dreams might come true one day.........

*Lindsay from Somewhere in the Body-Life

Ah, what can I say, my words are inadequate to express how much wonder, marvel and awe you inspire within with the way you share and express your creative self in so many nourishing and profound ways, on all levels, food for my heart, soul, spirit and body.....Thank you, and I can only say a sincere namaste and do a deep gassho to you........

JF Day 40 and Moving on......

Tomorrow I will break my feast......

It is time for me to move on - the energy has changed and I need to listen to my body, my intuition and go with the new flow, dance this new dance now.....

These last few days, I have realized that even after more than three months on juices, the cleansing is not over, I think it will never be over.......and funnily, that fills me up with hope......

We nourish ourselves and at the same time have to let go of what is not needed on every level. Thus eliminating, cleansing, purifying is a life long process as is the need to keep receiving and digesting nutrients.....both are equally essential and are simply two sides of the same coin........

I have focused all my time and energy for the past four months on healing myself. And what does healing really mean? 

For me it means - "becoming whole" "coming together"....

And that is how I feel today, whole and as though all of me has somehow come together, in the right place, the right way.......

I am filled with deep gratitude......

Green juices opened up a new world, one where my body got a real chance to catch up with the rest of me. 

They flowed through all of me like fresh light filled drops of unconditional love.....and awakened dormant cells, shook up lazy organs, cleaned cobwebs and all dusty nooks and corners, illuminated dark areas and enlightened unconscious pores.......

I'd like to thank David and Katrina once again for bringing this feast into my life and transforming my world so radically, so brilliantly. 

And to my fellow juice feasters, my heroes, my companions on this path, words are inadequate to express how immensely grateful I am to all of you......

Namaste and a deep bow.......

As I have said before, Green Juices have become a part of my life and I cannot imagine starting my day without them. I will be taking my Vita mix with me wherever I am traveling the next couple of months and I will have Green juices every day......

I have also realized that it is far more important for me to remain alkaline than raw. Eating sweet nutty raw deserts every other day is simply not for me....

Everything that is raw is not necessarily great for my body - that is how I see it.....

Eat alkaline, eat prana-rich, eat simple, eat less, eat lots of green, hydrate and eliminate, move and exercise, trust, accept and flow.......

And my understanding of what is alkaline is based on Robert Young and his work. For me Robert Young has really got it, he's cutting edge, and makes the most sense.

100% raw is not my objective.......

High raw along with some correctly cooked alkaline whole foods on the side will do me just fine. I have no conflict within about that.......

It is late here and I am sleepy, tomorrow is another day and it will bring solids back into my body, slowly, one step at a time, one breath one moment and it will all change, again.......

Jenny gave me the Creative Blogger Award the other day for my writing......

It has taken me a long time to have self-confidence about writing and to share it like this with others - so Thank You so much dear sweet Jenny, this means more to me than you can imagine......

Wish fulfilling pulsation........

This is inspired by and dedicated to Raw B, 

with love and gratitude........

spanda.......

quivering gently

in front of you 

inside too and around,

only in silence

you will perceive 

the beauty of its sound

float on the wave

on the unmoving wave

with a songline in the ocean,

a vibration with force

to realize and create

this life and all its motion

trembling notes

dance together

calling out to your soul,

might be a shout

or just a whisper

with power to make you whole

spandan spanda

essence of your life

your consciousness

and your being,

in your flesh

your blood and veins

it transforms into doing

all you need is to let go

then hold lightly 

one pure intention,

to fly high

and touch the radiance

of the wish fulfilling pulsation

the world will open

and perfume your spirit

like roses blooming in spring air,

you'll smile and twirl

and overflow

with passionate equanimity and care...........

on and on for eternity

beyond all time and space,

you will enter now and forever

a bright new shining place,

your roots will grow strong

your branches spread wide

and in every facet of you,

you will be who you are meant to be

abundant blissfilled and true....................

JF Day 35, Transformation, Presents on a platter......

Day 35 :

2 quarts celery, kale, pear, lemon, ginger, oil

1 quart cucumber, celery, spinach, tomato, red bell pepper, lime, ginger

1 quart alkaline water with green powder

Welcome to David, from Hippie's juice feast - who joined the juice feasting circle yesterday......

Today morning I looked at myself in the mirror and just kept on looking......my face has changed so much, not only is it much slimmer, but I have a feeling that my bone structure has changed, maybe I am only imagining it, I don't know.....is it possible?

My friend Ujwala came over from France for work and she is staying with me. When I opened the door to her this afternoon, she immediately said - You look like the first time I met you, 25 years ago.......

My body feels so different to me......when I sleep on my sides, I'm uncomfortable because I am so aware of my knee and ankle bones.....I can also feel the bones on my sides and hips......

My legs have changed, I have muscles where there were none before, and where there was fat, there is none now......

I have got back my Indian hourglass figure, the curves are still in place, the excess has disappeared......

I spent a couple of hours yesterday going through clothes I haven't worn for five years and tried them all on, one after another - some were too big for me.......

At the gym today, I had a session with my personal trainer Matt, and he smiled and said to me " I can't believe this, after four days, now I have to slow you down" - I worked for one full hour and at the end, I was so overwhelmed, I went to the locker room, found a corner and began to cry.......

I could not get over how quickly and incredibly my body was responding - any move I tried, it followed- any demand I made, it answered.....and without pain, no cramps, no sore muscles, it simply flowed and worked so beautifully......

I was so filled with gratitude, I walked back up again, gave Matt a hug and told him thank you.....he was a little flustered, but very touched too and said, watch it, you are going to be running a marathon at the speed you are going.......

We have decided to move to India as quickly as we can - and these last couple of days, some quite extra-ordinary things have begun to happen......things are falling into place, in ways beyond our expectations......we are being offered what we need almost on a platter.....

Dreams are on their way to becoming reality.....

JF Day 32 - Dances with the Green Juice.......

Transformation is a dance, a Dance of Becoming. In this Juice Feasting, we are dancing a dance with the juices, partners at every step. It is not just the "Juices" that are affecting us and changing us. We participate equally, we bring "ourselves" and who we are to the process too. It is an alchemy, between us and the juices we ingest. 

The dance is different every day........

At times it can be a real slow romantic number, melting our hearts and bringing tears to our eyes. Other times it is a Bollywood extravaganza, all sizzling melodramatic moves, full of fun and entertainment. Or how about a salsa or a tango, sensual smooth and turning our zones fully on. Sometimes we are out of sync, out of step and clumsy, we bounce on each other's toes, and have no desire to continue the dance anymore. Then the next day we go rock and roll.

One day we feel high, another day we feel low.........

I have found myself swinging between these ups and downs often too on this journey - feeling swept away in the beauty and radiance of intense emotions and pure energy.....it lasts a day or two, maybe four....and then......Where did it go? The high has become a low. 

Sometimes not even necessarily a low, just so flat, boring, nothing.......

The taste of sparkles, the smell of light, the touch of the muse, the awe inspiring inner sight.....

It does not remain. I wait, knowing the next high will definitely come, and I have not been disappointed yet. It certainly comes. It a cyclic pattern, after all. 

One can also call it the Dance of Opposites.....or even Dancing in the Duality.

Up and down, round and round, we simply follow the sound.

I've learnt so much in this dance..... after all, this hopping between two positions is what life as we usually know it is all about......we are used to it, we do it all the time.

So this journey has brought me untold riches and precious gifts on my highs, as well as grace and grit on my lows. I have healed. What a blessing.

I feel immensely grateful.......

And yet, today on my Day 32 - this is not enough anymore.....

There is an urge, a sincere aspiration in my heart and soul. I'm calling out for something else, something more, something I already know, I've tasted a zillion times before.......

This might sound completely nuts to those who have not experienced the dance with the green juices yet - but for me, these juices are alive and they respond beautifully to the way we move in this dance together.....

I no longer want to ride the highs and the lows or wait in transitory neutrals - I want to dance to another song, following a melody that runs beyond duality all throughout......

I want another groove, I'm going to change my moves - let the Dance change too, later or soon.......